the bathroom talk (a psa)
Updated: May 12, 2019
Hiya (as Denise Mina, one of the very best crime fiction writers says. I think it’s a Scottishism).
Been doing a few interviewy things about writing advice and thought I’d pass along some other Very Important Tips. They are an outgrowth of witnessing a woman commit practically every lavatory faux pas in the book. (Clearly restroom rules should be posted in plain sight right by the janitor’s checklist.) Here is my contribution to the oversight of public private behavior. Feel free to add more.
1. Restroom chatter must be as empty as the soap dispenser. Never gossip there. Ever. Unfamiliar footwear beneath stall doors has lulled many a sharer into disclosure while the newly-shod victim is just inches away at her most vulnerable. I know of a woman who learned about her husband’s infidelity in that very position.
2. Spacing is critical. When selecting a stall where there are multiple vacancies one must never situate oneself next to an occupied booth. It’s like choosing to sit by a stranger in an otherwise empty train. What is that about?
3. No cell phone calls.
(I mean, seriously?)
4. Go, wash, GO.
Loitering is really poor form. This includes applying make-up from scratch, sending text messages, or trying out new hairstyles.
5. In other words, they don’t really mean lounge. Couches placed in public restrooms have an invisible electric fence. Do not approach. The only safe place to sit has flushing capacity. If you’re not going into labor or about to be rushed to the hospital for food poisoning, nap elsewhere.
6. Auditory cover trumps drought and energy crisis. It’s what hot air hand dryers are really for.
7. Oh, just go before you leave home.
I will post other helpful hints when necessary.